Quite frankly, I have spent most of my life hating it , feeling ashamed and disgusted by it, constantly criticizing it and seeing it as the enemy that was ruining my life.
For the past three years, I have been focused on learning to love and accept my body just as it is right now, and a large part of that process has been about rebuilding trust in my body.
Learning to trust that it will tell me what it needs to eat when it is hungry and that when I work with it, it will let me know when I have had enough.
Learning to listen when my body says it needs rest or exercise and what foods makes it feel better and which foods it wants to let go.
Learning to release my binge eating disorder and have a normal, healthy and guilt free relationship with food.
As part of this process, what I hoped was that now that I was treating my body better and loving it and feeding it when it was hungry and moving it ways that it makes it feel good, that my body would begin to let go of some weight.
But it hasn’t.
In fact, I may even have gained some.
I don’t weigh myself any more as there is nothing immediate I can do in this moment about my weight except continue to aim for my best possible health by eating what my body wants when it wants it, eating mainly fruits, vegetable and home cooked simple meals and enjoying my walks.
I do believe that given enough time, my body will achieve the weight that it feels good at, as long as I continue to listen to and respect it.
However, what I have recently realized is that even though I have decided to so magnanimously trust my body after all these years, that my body actually has no reason to trust me.
And why would it?
I have starved it with rigid diets starting from when I was 9 years old and my worried parents took me to the Doctors to see if there was something wrong with me because of the weight I was gaining.
For the next 40 plus years, I was either on a diet, off a diet or thinking about a diet, feeling fabulous if I lost weight and crushed when I didn’t, letting the number on the scales determine my self-worth and self-esteem.
I have ignored my body when it was hungry because I had already eaten my allotted calories for the day and I wasn’t allowed to have any more food.
I have pushed my body through all sorts of exercise classes and hated it when it couldn’t keep up or resented it when it got injured.
I have stuffed my body with food through binge after binge, as each strict diet resulted in an equal and opposite desire to eat everything I had been depriving myself of.
I felt virtuous and strong and worthy when I ate “good” food and guilty and weak and disgusted when I ate “bad” food.
I have used food to numb my emotions and totally ignored how my body felt about all the food I gave it to digest and process and deal with and then hated it even more when it added more fat to my frame in self-defense.
So even though I have decided to trust and honor my body, after decades of disordered eating, screwed up metabolism and years of weight loss and weigh gain, why should I even be surprised that to my body, this is probably just a lull in a series of eating and dieting wars?
After all, bodies are so easy to silence.
Bodies are so easy to ignore and objectify.
Bodies are so easy to blame for all that is not right in your world and your life and changing your weight gives you the illusion that it will fix everything that is wrong with your life.
It doesn’t. In fact, weight loss can give you new pressures and anxieties to deal with that you have never imagined you would have.
I have given my body absolutely no reason in the world to trust me.
I have betrayed my body time and time again and left it to deal with the consequences of my lack of self-love and self-worth and self-care.
So today, I am willing to accept and respect that my body has absolutely no reason to trust me and I am ok with that.
For my own happiness, for my ongoing health, for the continuing joy and relief of having a guilt free, normal relationship with food and eating, I accept that my body may never trust me. It may want or need to hold onto this weight despite all the fabulous fruits and veggies we enjoy, despite that my body no longer wants dairy or gluten and so I no longer desire it, despite walking and stretching and spending so many glorious hours not obsessed with food and weight and calories and size and all that goes with it.
My body has been under siege by me since I was a girl.
As much as I wish I could have made peace with it earlier, that I could have never gone on that first, soul destroying diet that set the pattern of my life for the next 4 decades, it’s done.
I hope one day my body will trust me but even if it never does, I promise both my body and myself to love it and me, just the way I am right now.
To continue to focus on my health and know without doubt that health and happiness is possible at any size and to make the rest of my life, the best of my life.
I trust my body and I am going to continue to listen to all the wisdom and knowledge it has without blame and without shame.
I’m going to continue to do my best to give my body my appreciation, gratitude and respect for all that it does for me.
More importantly, I’m going to ask my body to forgive me for everything I have done to it and for all the hatred and disgust I have given it over the years and see what happens.
I hope one day, it will understand that the days of diets and binging are done and we can truly have peace with each other, but that is totally up to my body to decide. Right in this moment, I am really good with that. It seems only fair after what I have put my body through.
How about you, do you trust your body and do you believe that your body trusts you?
Want to know more about my Diet Free Body Programs that focus on dissolving body shame, teaching mindful eating techniques and creating a normal, healthy and guilt free relationship with food and eating?
You can find out more at www.lovetransformslc.com