What more would you expect from the “most romantic day of the year”? Single or in a relationship, negotiating Valentine’s Day and coming out the other side, relatively unscathed can be challenging!
Valentine’s Day is THE day when you can totally lose all sense of your own self-worth, feel convinced that you are unloved and unlovable and feel very, very alone.
It is also filled with the three biggest anxiety and depression inducing things known to woman or man: Guilt, Comparison and Expectation and sprinkled with loads of “shoulds”.
“It’s Valentine’s Day, so you should get me something or make a big, romantic gesture or it means you don’t love me.”
“I shouldn’t be alone on Valentines Day. Why doesn’t anyone love me?”
Because Valentine’s Day is SO commercialized and “in your face” there is a very powerful expectation that if you don’t get a public or secret declaration of love, everyone will think there is something wrong with you. Even worse, you will think there is something wrong with you!
Tip 1. Drop the expectations!
The reality is, it’s a huge marketing day for the card, floral, hospitality and retail industry! Like any marketing, it is driven by making you think that you need it by making it seem necessary. Love may drive a lot of the Valentine’s Day sales but so does guilt! It IS just a day and it does not invalidate your worth or mean that you are not loveable. Don’t get sucked into your expectation or fantasy of how it should be.
“Rita’s husband always makes such a huge fuss of her for Valentine’s Day. Why can’t my partner be like hers? Maybe he doesn’t really love me.”
“Everyone else I know is in a relationship and I’m still single. What’s wrong with me? Why am I alone?”
Tip 2. Stop Comparing!
Valentine’s Day is RIFE with “Compare and despair” Syndrome. You see everyone else’s relationships though rose colored and highly unrealistic glasses and tell yourself a story about what you think their life is actually like and how bad your life is in comparison. Comparing puts you in a no-win situation. You are either “better” than them or “worse” than them. Don’t compare as it’s only going to make your feel bad AND you are comparing yourself to a story that only exists in your head.
“I HAVE to buy something for Valentine’s Day or I’ll never hear the end of it!”
“I feel so guilty when my friend see’s what I got for Valentine’s Day. She tries to hide it, but I know it really upsets her that I am in a relationship and she isn’t.”
Tip 3. Dump any Guilt!
Guilt always leads to resentment and guilt always needs punishment and we are so good at punishing ourselves. If you truly resent or feel pressured into spending big on Valentine’s Day when your heart is really not in it, you need to discuss this with your partner and be honest. Then weigh it up. Do you genuinely like seeing them happy? Is there a payoff for you? Can you compromise? Doing things purely from a feeling of guilt and obligation will only lead to resentment later.
When it comes to guilt about your friends, unless you are dancing around them, sticking your red roses in their face and singing “I’m loved and you’re not” then how your friend feels has nothing to do with you. If Valentine’s Day is wonderful for you, ENJOY IT! Your friend is responsible for his or her feelings, not you. NEVER feel guilty about being happy.
Tip 4. Keep things in perspective.
Valentine’s Day doesn’t have any magical power to drain you of your essential lovableness and self-worth. Only YOU can do that by what you choose to think. It’s just ONE day out of 365. See it for what it is, brilliant marketing and leave the rest! You have nothing to prove about either you OR your relationship just because of one day in the year.
Tip 5. Reclaim Valentines Day for YOU!
Sick of torturing yourself by reading all the “I love you” notices in the paper? Tired of resenting your partner because they never get you anything or make a fuss unless you nag and pressure them?
Give yourself the Valentine’s Day that YOU want in appreciation of how much you love and value YOURSELF! Buy yourself some flowers. Write yourself a love letter or card. Get yourself a gift that you love or do something special for yourself just because you can and just because you DESERVE it!
You get to choose how you want to feel this Valentine’s Day and every day so remember, let go of your expectations, comparisons and guilt and do what feels good for you.
Need some help feeling good about you? Do you keep attracting the same relationships over and over again? Just not feeling “good enough”? Contact me for a free 15 minute consultation by phone or skype to discuss how coaching or hypnotherapy with me will change your life for the better. Find out more at my website.