Does acceptance really mean giving up?

AcceptanceAny time that I talk to clients about the concept of acceptance, I immediately see their resistance and barriers start going up!

Common reactions are usually angry; “How can I accept this? I hate it”

OR anxious;

“But that will mean that they won’t stop” OR defeated;

“But that will mean nothing will ever change.”

This is because most people confuse acceptance with resignation.
Here’s the difference:

Often comes before acceptance, but it feels powerless.

You hit the wall and resign yourself to the fact that things are the way they are but you feel that there is nothing that you can do to help yourself or change the situation. You may even believe that things can never, ever get better, that nothing ever works out for you and so you do the best you can to go on.

Resignation feels heavy, depressing, sad, guilty and you can feel trapped.

Understanding that YOU have choice. Acceptance feels powerful.

You hit the wall, but you understand that even though you can’t change the people around you or the situation, you can change your own attitude towards yourself and what you do in your situation.

Here’s an example:
You feel fat and frumpy. It doesn’t matter what you do, you just can’t seem to change your body. If you could just lose the weight, everything would be ok, but it just won’t budge.  You are constantly complaining to your partner about your body and your weight and how unattractive you feel. It feels like it’s ruining your life and your health.

Resignation Attitude:
You give up. You believe that there is nothing you can do to change the way you are. You stop taking care of yourself and sink into depression and apathy. You focus solely on how you look, not on how you feel, and you think you look fat and ugly. You have a litany of criticism constantly running through your head and it never seems to end.

You say that you accept that this is the way it is but you increasingly feel bitter, resentful, hate yourself and compare yourself constantly to others and you feel powerless.

Acceptance Attitude:
You accept that this is the way that your body is right now and you decide that even if you never lose another gram, you are going to look after you. You start making fresh, healthy food that you enjoy. You throw out all the clothes that don’t fit and find ones that suit your body shape in colors and fabrics that you love.

You take 100% responsibility for your health and make choices that decrease your stress and increase your happiness. You do more things that make you feel good. You accept that your body is really at your mercy, so you decide to do your best to make it’s job of keeping you strong and healthy, as easy as possible. You focus on how you want to feel instead of how you want to look.

Acceptance is saying to yourself; “Ok, right now THIS is how it is. What can I do right now and in the future, to make this as easy, comfortable or better for ME as I can?

How can I support myself more in this situation? What steps can I take to help myself? What resources can I use or call on? Who can I find to help me help myself?

See the difference?

Acceptance is such a powerful and amazingly freeing attitude!

If you need help with shifting from resignation and upgrading your acceptance skills, contact me.

Kerry Jeffery.


Claiming my right to bare arms! Is Body Shame a Conscious Choice?

Today I did something that I have not done in at least 20 years.

I went out into our hot Melbourne Summer weather wearing a sleeveless top with my bare, 53 year old arms on full display to the world!

As I drove to the shopping center with the windows down and the warm wind wobbling the top of my arm gently in the breeze, I struggled not to feel self conscious.

I walked around the shops making sure to keep my head held high, but part of me was very aware of feeling like that fat girl at school who got mercilessly teased whenever she dared put any of her body on display. 

That little girl was peering anxiously out from behind my eyes, waiting for the nasty comments and taunts to begin.

Rewind back two weeks ago to where this tale begins.

I was finishing up a session with one of my Diet Free Body coaching clients and we had been talking about her observations after a recent holiday in Europe.

“Everyone wears a bikini” she said, shaking her head in amazement. “I mean, EVERYONE! No matter their weight or their shape or their size, rolls of flesh and bellies on display with absolutely no self consciousness at all!”

As my client finished her story,  I heard the following words coming out of my mouth;

“Body shame is a conscious decision.”

We both stared at each other as the truth and enormity of that statement took hold.

Body shame is a conscious decision. 

We speculated about why we had this body shame and the self hatred that seems so common here in Australia when it has so clearly escaped all those bikini clad, overweight, unselfconscious women, enjoying the beaches overseas.

The majority of my work is teaching loving yourself NOW, accepting and appreciating your body just the way it is and overcoming all the shame, guilt and self hatred surrounding weight and self image.

So if body shame IS a conscious decision, what issues was I still holding onto?

What invisible thoughts or beliefs did I have that are so much a part of me that they don’t even register with me consciously about how my body looks?

Today as I pondered what to wear in the heat, I suddenly realized that I never left the house with bare arms.

I mean NEVER!

An unconscious part of my shopping habits was that any new top or shirt I contemplated buying had to have:

a. Sleeves


b. Go with an existing jacket I already have.

I NEVER, EVER went out sleeveless!

I suddenly and vividly remembered a comment I once overheard a man make to one of his mates about how to tell the “fat chicks” on their shared internet dating sites when looking at their photos.

“Don’t get sucked in by her face mate” he advised. “Always look at the arms. You can always tell if a chick is fat by looking at her arms”.

That comment stuck somewhere deep inside my subconscious mind with all the other “evidence” I had gathered over the years about what it meant to be fat.

Today I realized just how much shame I was still holding onto about showing my arms in public. I realised just how many of those old fears I still had that my body and the fat on it was in some way, offensive and never to be to displayed in public and if body shame truly IS a conscious decision, it was time to start challenging that belief and letting it go.

So I asserted my right to bare arms and it felt good.

Scary, challenging and raising up a whole lot of old ghosts from the past, but it felt GOOD!

And another piece of self acceptance and self love settled into place in my heart and soul and that felt even better!

So, how about you?

Do you need to remind yourself that it’s your right to bare arms or bare legs or to go to the beach in your bathers and actually SWIM and enjoy the water instead of hiding on the beach covered in a shirt or towels and filled with body shame and guilt and self hatred?

Do you believe that body shame IS a conscious decision and that you can choose to let it go?

Leave me a comment and tell me what your weight or your body shame is stopping you from doing or wearing and how it manifests in your life.

If you need some help, I would LOVE to work with you on some Diet Free Body coaching or counselling or hypnotherapy to get you loving yourself NOW and having a normal, healthy and guilt free relationship with food and with your body, either in person or by Skype.

Come see me at and claim your right to self acceptance and self love now!

Hugs from my bare arms to yours.