Why my body doesn’t trust me and why I am ok with it.

My relationship with my body hasImage never been an easy one.

Quite frankly, I have spent most of my life hating it , feeling ashamed and disgusted by it, constantly criticizing it and seeing it as the enemy that was ruining my life.

For the past three years, I have been focused on learning to love and accept my body just as it is right now, and a large part of that process has been about rebuilding trust in my body.

Learning to trust that it will tell me what it needs to eat when it is hungry and that when I work with it, it will let me know when I have had enough.

Learning to listen when my body says it needs rest or exercise and what foods makes it feel better and which foods it wants to let go.

Learning to release my binge eating disorder and have a normal, healthy and guilt free relationship with food.

As part of this process, what I hoped was that now that I was treating my body better and loving it and feeding it when it was hungry and moving it ways that it makes it feel good, that my body would begin to let go of some weight.

But it hasn’t.

In fact, I may even have gained some.

I don’t weigh myself any more as there is nothing immediate I can do in this moment about my weight except continue to aim for my best possible health by eating what my body wants when it wants it, eating mainly fruits, vegetable and home cooked simple meals and enjoying my walks.

I do believe that given enough time, my body will achieve the weight that it feels good at, as long as I continue to listen to and respect it.

However, what I have recently realized is that even though I have decided to so magnanimously trust my body after all these years, that my body actually has no reason to trust me.

And why would it?

I have starved it with rigid diets starting from when I was 9 years old and my worried parents took me to the Doctors to see if there was something wrong with me because of the weight I was gaining.

For the next 40 plus years, I was either on a diet, off a diet or thinking about a diet, feeling fabulous if I lost weight and crushed when I didn’t, letting the number on the scales determine my self-worth and self-esteem.

I have ignored my body when it was hungry because I had already eaten my allotted calories for the day and I wasn’t allowed to have any more food.

I have pushed my body through all sorts of exercise classes and hated it when it couldn’t keep up or resented it when it got injured.

I have stuffed my body with food through binge after binge, as each strict diet resulted in an equal and opposite desire to eat everything I had been depriving myself of.

I felt virtuous and strong and worthy when I ate “good” food and guilty and weak and disgusted when I ate “bad” food.

I have used food to numb my emotions and totally ignored how my body felt about all the food I gave it to digest and process and deal with and then hated it even more when it added more fat to my frame in self-defense.

So even though I have decided to trust and honor my body, after decades of disordered eating, screwed up metabolism and years of weight loss and weigh gain, why should I even be surprised that to my body, this is probably just a lull in a series of eating and dieting wars?

After all, bodies are so easy to silence.

Bodies are so easy to ignore and objectify.

Bodies are so easy to blame for all that is not right in your world and your life and changing your weight gives you the illusion that it will fix everything that is wrong with your life.

It doesn’t. In fact, weight loss can give you new pressures and anxieties to deal with that you have never imagined you would have.

I have given my body absolutely no reason in the world to trust me.

I have betrayed my body time and time again and left it to deal with the consequences of my lack of self-love and self-worth and self-care.

So today, I am willing to accept and respect that my body has absolutely no reason to trust me and I am ok with that.

For my own happiness, for my ongoing health, for the continuing joy and relief of having a guilt free, normal relationship with food and eating, I accept that my body may never trust me. It may want or need to hold onto this weight despite all the fabulous fruits and veggies we enjoy, despite that my body no longer wants dairy or gluten and so I no longer desire it, despite walking and stretching and spending so many glorious hours not obsessed with food and weight and calories and size and all that goes with it.

My body has been under siege by me since I was a girl.

As much as I wish I could have made peace with it earlier, that I could have never gone on that first, soul destroying diet that set the pattern of my life for the next 4 decades, it’s done.

I hope one day my body will trust me but even if it never does, I promise both my body and myself to love it and me, just the way I am right now.

To continue to focus on my health and know without doubt that health and happiness is possible at any size and to make the rest of my life, the best of my life.

I trust my body and I am going to continue to listen to all the wisdom and knowledge it has without blame and without shame.

I’m going to continue to do my best to give my body my appreciation, gratitude and respect for all that it does for me.

More importantly, I’m going to ask my body to forgive me for everything I have done to it and for all the hatred and disgust I have given it over the years and see what happens.

I hope one day, it will understand that the days of diets and binging are done and we can truly have peace with each other, but that is totally up to my body to decide. Right in this moment, I am really good with that. It seems only fair after what I have put my body through.

How about you, do you trust your body and do you believe that your body trusts you?

Want to know more about my Diet Free Body Programs that focus on dissolving body shame, teaching mindful eating techniques and creating a normal, healthy and guilt free relationship with food and eating?

You can find out more at www.lovetransformslc.com

Kerry Jeffery

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stop letting the “Beach Body” Myth steal your Summer!

Image There are very few things in my life that I regret and this is one of them.

I truly regret all of the things that I didn’t do, all of the things that I didn’t allow myself to experience and all of the things that I didn’t enjoy because I was totally consumed with my body shame. 

I missed fabulous summers on the beach because I didn’t have a “beach body” and if I actually did go to the beach, the whole time that I was there I felt anxious, ashamed and highly self-conscious.

I was waiting for the “beached whale” comments to be made or I was cringing inside every time I felt someone looking at my body and I felt ashamed to be there, as if I almost needed to apologize for my presence.

Stripping off down to my bathers made me feel sick and exposed. Walking from the “safety” of my towel down to the water to swim and then having to walk all the way back was terrifying and confronting because I imagined that everyone was looking at me and laughing at that fat girl on the beach.

I never really relaxed and enjoyed laying on my towel in the sun because I was too focused on holding my stomach in or worried about how my thighs looked or trying to find a way to sit that didn’t make me look fatter.

Summer was always a time that my body shame and anxiety was magnified 1000%.

Easier and much, MUCH emotionally safer to just stay at home, thinking and hoping that the next Summer after the next diet, would be so very, very different because I would finally have my “beach body”.

I love how things can change.

This morning, I took my son and one of his mates down to my favorite beach on this glorious, Melbourne, Summers day and I took my beach body with me.

I lay on my towel, soaking up the gorgeous sunshine and the sensation of the sea breeze on my skin and felt my body becoming totally relaxed and at peace.

I walked down to the water, laughing with delight with the boys at how cold the water was, and set a strict “no splashing” rule in place until I got my courage up enough to stop inching into the water and dive in.

We jumped and splashed and floated and I made up a great game called “MINE” in honor of the seagulls from “Finding Nemo” which involved me swimming up to one of the boys shouting, “MINE, MINE, MINE” wrestling his boogie board away from him amidst much screaming and laughing and then swimming/running off madly through the water, pushing the board in front of me, still yelling “MINE, MINE” with two 12 year old boys in hot pursuit.

I have to say with a sense of great satisfaction and pleasure that I won most of the battles!

My beach body today is pretty similar to the beach body I have had most of my life.

What IS different is my attitude towards myself and my body.

I honestly had no self-consciousness at all.

Not.

One.

Bit!

I didn’t waste a second wondering what someone else was thinking or saying about me OR my body, I was too busy enjoying every single moment in THIS body that I have right now and it was an absolutely magical day of laughter and play and pleasure.

I have a “beach” body and so do you, no matter what you look like or how much or how little you weigh.

The body that you have right now is the way it is right now.

You can love it and support it and nourish it or hate it and despise it and feel ashamed of it.

Trust me, love and support and nourishment FEELS so much BETTER!

Get out and feel the sunshine.

Float amongst the waves.

Swim in the ocean.

Explore the rock pools and look for shells and build sandcastles.

Lie on the beach and feel the sea breeze on your skin and let all of your body just relax.

Don’t wait to have a mythical “beach body”.

Don’t miss out on another summer or another party or another opportunity for fear that your body is not good enough.

Don’t let your body shame ruin your summer or your life.

If anyone has a problem with your body, remember: It’s THEIR problem, not yours.

Need help letting go of your body shame? Come on over to my website and contact me. I have a fabulous new program in the works to help you eliminate your body shame, heal your relationship with food and give up any guilt about eating.

www.lovetransformslc.com

I am planning many more beach days this Summer, what about you?

best wishes

Kerry